Laura's Journey
... On the road to living cancer-free

My Friend

"The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination." ~ Don Williams, Jr.

I felt like the only person in the universe to be experiencing hardships. It was like the weight of the world rested only on my shoulders. We were in the process of relocating to a new town, well not really so new, it was a place we were all too familiar with. Anchorage, Alaska, here we come, 380 miles North from our home, Kodiak, Alaska. This was a scary time for us, bouncing into the unknown, starting a new job, meeting new people, new friends.

March 3, 2006 was my first day at my new job, I was introduced to my new team members, they seemed nice enough. One person in particular I remember feeling quite intrigued by, Charlotte. She appeared to be a lady who carried great confidence in herself. She was a little bit older than I, but I felt she carried a sense of goodness about her and I was curious, I wanted to know her. For the first few weeks, the extent of our communication was a quick shot smile she would shoot off at me while walking past my office. I was sure these smiles were out of niceness, or maybe because she knew of the mayhem I walked into, maybe the smiles were out of pity. I just couldn’t quite pin point the meaning behind those smiles.

One day, I don’t even remember when it happened or how for that matter, but I found myself sitting in her office, just talking. We were talking about nothing in particular, small conversation, the type of conversation that begins with eagerness to get to know that person, but ends in awkward silence. Soon, these conversations started to carry emotion, we were using each other to vent our frustrations of our jobs and our daily lives. We began using each others shoulders as weeping pads. I was excited to be learning about Charlotte’s life, about her personality. I learned that she was a single mother with two teenage children, she had just gone through a divorce within the last three years and she was a college student pursing a degree in education. I was thoroughly fascinated by her stories and experiences and impressed with her knowledge and wisdom. Because of this move I had just endured, I was experiencing a lot of stress and was beginning to feel negative toward just about everything. Charlotte was helping me to see the effects the stress was having on my life and was showing me how to make this stress into something positive. She was becoming a great friend.

As the months went by, we became closer and closer, learning everything there is to know about one another. We started making arrangements to meet outside of work. We were having dinners together with our families, going out for walks and meeting out at pub’s to enjoy a cocktail or two. Every time I get around Charlotte, I feel great, I’m always smiling. Charlotte loves to get outdoors and take pictures, but being new to Anchorage herself, she doesn’t know very many places to go, so she was really excited for the summer months to arrive, so we could get out and go camping and she could take her pictures.

Finally, the perfect opportunity arouse, and we were able to get out and go for that long awaited camping trip. It was the usual camping trip, friends, tons of food and of course liquor. We stayed up all night eating and drinking, having an absolutely great time. The next day, when we all finally arouse for the day, I noticed Charlotte was already up, and she was sitting in a chair she had dragged over toward the ocean all bundled up in a blanket, letting the sun hit her in the face. I walked over to her to find out how she was doing and she looked up at me and smiled and told me she was fine, but seemed to have caught a little cold. She sounded terrible, like her voice box was ready to run out of batteries, she appeared a strange bluish color and her skin was clammy.

Instantly, I had this rush of uneasiness come over me, I had this feeling that something just wasn’t quite right. Immediately, an earlier conversation we had popped into my mind, she had been telling me earlier that month that her recent mammogram had come back "dirty" and she needed to go back in for another check-up, just to be sure nothing was abnormal. I happen to know she had not gone in yet to get this confirmation. The weekend went on and Charlotte seemed to be getting worse. I suggested to her to head home and rest, but she insisted that she was fine and wanted to stick out the weekend, so we just took it easy the rest of the weekend, soaking up the sun and relaxing.

Evidently this camping trip must have sparked some concern into Charlotte, because the very next day she made an appointment to follow-up on her abnormal mammogram. By Wednesday of that week she had an appointment in the early morning to have another mammogram done and by that afternoon, she had her results. The next morning, when she came into work, I came and sat in my usual spot for our "coffee talk" to start the day. She seemed cool and collected, smiling as usual. I inquired as to how her appointment went. She started out to say everything went well, and then her eyes welled up into two pools of tears and that’s when she told me she had breast cancer. I didn’t know what to say or how to react, I reached deep down into myself and quickly thought, "what would Charlotte do if it were me?"

She would stay strong and compassionate for me, that’s what she would do. I can‘t remember exactly what I said to her, but I can remember exactly how I felt. There was a twister of thoughts swirling around in my head, I had every emotion go through my body in a matter of seconds, I felt so bad and confused at the same time, I wanted so bad to know her thoughts, and, even more so I wanted to take the sickness out of her so everything would be fine again. She shared with me that around the time she was going through her divorce, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had already had one battle, she had been in remission for the past three years and thought she beat it. That whole day seemed to go by in a blur, the rest of the week was forever long.

After having found out about the breast cancer, I wanted to be nothing but positive and supportive to her. I felt this was my opportunity to help her as she had helped me through my hardships. The doctor had let her know that the cancer was invasive this time and they were going to have to remove at least one breast, if not both. This was not good news. Charlotte was having a very difficult time trying to grasp the concept of not having her breasts anymore. We tried to laugh about the situation, talk about how many women pay big bucks for breast augmentation and how "perky" her "girls" would be after all was said and done. Through every laugh came a tear.

I could feel a change in our relationship, it seemed Charlotte was distancing herself from me. She was spending a lot of time with her family, which is to be expected, but it was almost like she didn‘t want to burden me with her problems, but what she didn‘t know was how badly I wanted to be there for support. I started to feel hurt because I was beginning to think she was trying to push me away to spare both of our feelings, but I was determined and wasn’t going to lose my dear friend.

I have stayed strong for my friend and our relationship is continuing to grow. I believe Charlotte has noticed my compassion and appreciates my support. She has become part of my family and I couldn’t imagine not being there for my friend during this difficult time. I’ve learned a lot from Charlotte and I will walk with my friend through this journey and the next.

Note from Laura

Everytime I read this I cry, I am so fortunate that Jaime is my friend... the other thing Jaime didn't know, is Don Williams is one of my favoritest singers ever, I love his song I believe in love. What a coincidence she choose a line from one of his songs. Oh, by the way, dear Jaime got an "A" on this paper. :)